Follow the Paper Trail.....

On Jan. 2, 2017, I wrote: “Dec 17th, ex must have mulled over our non confrontational conversation, and couldn’t handle it, so he shoots me off a text at 930am telling me, “Patty you tell my daughter to contact me anytime I don’t need to speak to you to see her. Patty in the past you never let me see Sarah so I will speak to her but I have nothing to say to you I rest my case.” He rests his case? I had to laugh because this is the most he’s spoken, even during all the times we had gone back and forth to court, “but he “rests his case…” OK
“Our” daughter was born in 1993 and she turned 18 in 2011.
Let me put this out there, here and now. I cannot EVER make another adult person do something they do not want to do.
When I decided to leave my ex significant other, I will call him Anthony, it was the weekend of my birthday, March, 1994. “Our” daughter was 7 months old. We had been living together for nearly a year. I had discovered  and confirmed that he was cheating on me and had even moved some of his new girlfriend’s clothes into my side of the closet, but towards the back of the closet. I have to assume he thought I wouldn’t see them. SURPRISE!
I wasn’t planning on suing him for custody of our daughter, I thought we could co parent together, however, I was beginning to think that wasn’t going to happen. From the time I left in early March, until early June, Anthony had not seen our daughter. He then requested to see her on June 2nd, 1994, when she was 10 months old, so we met at a park near to where I was living in Whittier. He played with her on the swing, the slide, sweet daddy/daughter time. At the end of the visit, he became irritated, and told me that if I didn’t watch it, he would kidnap his daughter and take her to Mexico and I wouldn’t get her back. He hadn’t seen her or made any attempt to see her, for 3 months, then he threatened to kidnap her? I knew what I had to do.
Aug. 1, 1994, our daughter turned 1. Her paternal grandmother and Aunt showed up. Apparently, Anthony had no interest. 
Sept. 1994, I filed a Complaint to Establish Parental Relationship with the court. I requested sole legal/sole physical custody of our daughter. I requested that a 3rd party be present for any visitation. I requested that defendant be ordered to take a random drug/blood test before any visitation can be ascertained due to his serious/abusive drug addiction. Any visits to be monitored and supervised at all times. I did want him to establish a relationship with his daughter and let the court know that he had not seen his daughter for a long period of time. I requested that the father’s visits with our daughter are to exclude his girlfriend due to her own personal “issues” shall we say. (Birds of a feather…) I requested that his girlfriend not be involved in any visitation nor intercept any communication regarding our daughter and her father. Anthony had 30 days to respond. What a LONG process this was. Anthony never responded to the court papers.  What he did do though, was allow his girlfriend to intercept and respond to my daughter’s Medical providers. She did this in August 1994 and Nov. 1994. In August, the girlfriend wrote, “To Whom It May Concern: You can give this bill to the kids mother. Since she does not know who the father is.” Girlfriend singed her name and Anthony’s name. The medical provider sent me a copy of the letter, asking me to please respond to this note from Anthony. In Nov. 1994, the girlfriend, yet again, intercepted medical correspondence to Anthony. In this correspondence, the medical provider wrote that I stated our daughter was covered under her father’s insurance. The girlfriend wrote, “NO SHE’S NOT. Let her so called mother support her. We pay taxes.” WHAT? Of course, the medical provider sent me a copy of that as well.
June 2, 1995 a Request to Enter Default was filed.
July 31, 1995, a Notice of Entry Judgement/Judgement for Paternity was filed. There was a hearing for Default Judgement Declaring Existence of Father Child Relationship, and Ordering Custody, Visitation, Child Support.  Anthony was served with the complaint and failed to answer or respond to it, and his default was duly entered. With the evidence I had, it was “therefore ordered, adjudged, and decreed” that I have the judgement as follows:
  1. I am the mother of Anthony’s child, born Aug. 1, 1993.
  2. I have sole legal  and physical custody of child.
  3. Defendant/Father to have no rights of visitation.
  4. Defendant/Father to pay one half of uncovered medical costs incurred for the benefit of the minor child including medical, dental, orthodontic, psychological or psychiatric.
  5. wage garnishment shall be issued against defendants wages.
I had sent Anthony a copy of this court order. on Aug. 3, 1995, I received a letter from his girlfriend. It included 2 pics of them getting married, with a note that said, “You are such a fool.”
December 1995, Anthony is court ordered to carry Heath/Dental insurance on our daughter. He never responded, nor did he ask to ever see his daughter.
Over the next few years, letters to Anthony consisted of getting him to follow court orders, pay his “fair share” of medical costs, adding our daughter onto his health insurance as he was court ordered, and I never heard from him.
I married in May of 1996 and my husband was the only “Daddy” my daughter had known. My husband was now covering my daughter under his medical/dental insurance.
In May of  1998, I sent him a letter letting Anthony know that our daughter will be covered under his insurance plan effective June 1, 1998. I also told him that while it wasn’t ideal, it was understood that the least amount he has to deal with me, the easier it is for HIM. Kids have enough peer pressure and we don’t need to add to it or compound it because we can’t get along. Our daughter is almost 5 at this time, and he STILL has not asked to see her, or anything. I told him that although he has no desire to meet her, I didn’t believe he wanted her hurt or for anything bad to happen to her. *CRICKETS* I am the one that had to continually look out for my daughter, making sure she was covered Anthony’s insurance policies. He FINALLY sent me some insurance information.
1999 I continuously write him and tell him what is going on with our daughter. She was turning 6, going to school, playing some sports. I would tell him what’s going on with her, and what she’s doing. *Crickets*
In Sept 1999 HE sent me new insurance cards…WHAT!? However, still no request to see her.
Year 2000, Still sending Anthony pics, copies, of report cards, behavior charts from school, updates of what our daughter is doing, her plans, wants, etc…and still, *crickets* from him. In Dec. I wrote that I hope he enjoys seeing everything I send him and seeing how much she is growing and changing. *Crickets* On Dec 30, 2000 I also sent a short note and picture of my daughter to her Aunt. This aunt would be the youngest girl on Anthony’s side. This letter was REFUSED and RETURN TO SENDER.
Year 2001, Jan. 19 I sent Anthony a letter, updating him as usual, and I also let him know about what his sister had done. I told him that just because no one wants to BELIEVE that our daughter is his, doesn’t make it so. I told him that it was funny because his sister had opened up the letter, saw who it was from and who it was, then she closed it up and sent it back to me. I told him that our daughter will eventually be told about her parentage, all her aunts  and brother and sister, at an appropriate time, and it will be HER decision when she is older as to whether or not she wants contact with any of them. I told him that our daughter was innocent in all this and I really hope that if the day comes when she writes him a letter or something that at least he will be decent enough to acknowledge her and be open to what she has to say and answer any questions she may have. In May  I wrote Anthony and told him what I had been thinking lately. It was that I won’t contact him about her, that it was obvious he has no desire to contact, see or know about her. It’s something that I had known for 7 years, but I had dumb hope. I told him that he has his wife and her kids to keep him busy and my husband has been a WONDERFUL daddy to our daughter, and for now, that’s all our daughter needs to know. I felt that Anthony, his wife, her kids and his sisters are rejoicing, and it’s sad, but it’s his decision to stay away, and my decision and right as her other to protect her, her feelings and emotional well being. Nov. 21, I sent him a pic of her.
On May 21, 2002 I sent Anthony a letter requesting his written approval and authorization for me to change our daughters last name, legally, to my husband’s last name. Nothing.
There was no communication in 2003 about anything except past due medical expenses that he continually refuses to pay, and as always, no response from Anthony, about ANYTHING, not even to see if he can see his daughter.
On Jan. 4, 2005, Anthony sends me a signed paper, 3.5 years later, authorizing me to change my daughters last name to my husbands. He also wrote a not that he wants me to call him. He gave me a disconnected number. I sent him letter dated Jan. 12, stating this problem. I also told him that changing my daughters last name does not get him out of paying child support, as it was just a name change and not an adoption. Anthony called me on Jan. 24th, and gave me his home number, “in the event (daughter) wants to contact” him. During our conversation, we agreed to the following, that visitation with our daughter would happen if our daughter requested to see him. By this year, our daughter knew about him, and had known about him for several years. Anthony and I agreed that if our daughter wanted to see hi, I would call him and he would come over to my house, and that if he wanted to see our daughter, he would call me and come over to my house.  I told him that it has been 12 years, so there would be no visitation without myself or a 3rd party present, to start. Anthony had admitted that the he hated the supervised visitation and that that was ONE of the reasons he has never made contact with our daughter. Our daughter was going to be 12 and it had been 12 years since he had seen her, but I wasn’t just going to allow non supervised visitation to take place. I also knew that since I still wanted it supervised, visitations wouldn’t take place any time soon, unless he pursued it through the courts. Anthony also told me he was getting a divorce.
It was during this year, that I came to find out Anthony tried to claim our daughter on his taxes…WOW…I corrected that quick fast and in a hurry.
Anthony never requested to see his daughter. My daughter never requested to see him.
My husband, the only daddy my daughter ever knew, died suddenly and unexpectedly in Nov 2005.
I let Anthony know about my husband dying in Jan 2006. I thought it might strike something in him, about our daughter. In March 2006 I wrote Anthony and told him that when I told him about my husband passing away, I was kinda sorta hoping he would step up to the plate, that he would take more of an interest in our daughters life and possibly want to be in contact with her. I told him that I thought it would do both of them good to be in each other’s lives, especially right now, he is her biological father and she is going to need a father figure in her life. I told him that my daughter asked WHY now would he want to step up, when he hasn’t done so for the past 12 years. She had a valid concern. I told him that I would hate to think that for these last 5.5 years, until she’s 18, that he didn’t make an effort. I told him that while the court papers said he had no rights of visitation, I have always been willing to work something out with him, and that my only request was that visitation did not include his current wife/girlfriend, just him and our daughter so they can get to know each other. it was my hope that soon, he would be involved in his daughters life, that she could really benefit from it, and I think he would too. ALL the heartfelt words, went to  deaf ears and blind eyes. Come May 2006, Anthony was fired from his job, again, which means he was no longer carrying Medical/Dental insurance on her.  He also never made an effort to see her.
2008 I find out that Anthony is on GR (general relief). I have no idea how he got it, but I knew he better not use/claim my daughter to get it. He also decided he was going to take me back to court. He can’t pay his child support, but he can find money to go fishing and then get busted, receiving a citation for fishing without a license. In the court papers Anthony filed, he stated there was a change in circumstances, that he’s currently receiving GR at $203 per month, that he needs his CDL to be released so that he can “seek employment, visit my child and for personal errands.” I have told Anthony MANY times over the last 15 years that he can visit our daughter and he never took me up on it. His older sister, at one time, told him to deny paternity, and wanted ME to pay for a test. I said no, I KNEW who her father was, that if he had a question about it, he could pay for a test. Now that he mentioned wanting to see her in these court papers, legally he has no right of visitation, (since 1995) and if he was SERIOUS about seeing her, he should have also modified child visitation. He didn’t, so was he trying to make me look bad in these court papers he served me with? he’s never visited. He’s never called, never written her, never acknowledged her birthday’s, holidays, nothing, ever, in 15 years. He was told by the Child Support attorney, that if he didn’t make an effort now, he will never have a relationship with her, that she was old enough to make her own decision about seeing him. Guess what? We had to go back to court on June 12, he was not there, but my daughter was, just to see him.
2010 is the year that my daughter got to meet three aunts, several uncles, and cousins in person. One couldn’t be bothered with her (The one that returned a letter to me years ago) several cousins. She hasn’t seen them since.
I wrote Anthony again on July 24,2011. 8 days before my daughter turned 18, telling him it was really too bad and SO sad that he missed out on 18 years of her life.
I have NEVER denied him seeing our daughter, despite what court orders said. I would tell him, “I KNOW what court orders say, BUT ….” and would offer a way for him to see her. He never once took me up on it, then he has the audacity to accuse me of keeping her from him….
SURELY he jests…..


Popular posts from this blog

I Can't Make This Stuff Up....

Like Father Like Daughter- Part Deux

Say Her Name.....